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Anger, Limitations, & Accommodations

Sometimes I can’t help but get so angry.

5 Years Ago

Now

  • I was going to the gym 2-3 times a week
  • I was working 15-30 hours a week
  • I was taking 2-3 classes in college
  • I had a social life.
  • I can’t walk more than 100 feet or so without needing to stop
  • I am unemployed and applying for disability
  • I have dropped out of college without a degree
  • I cancel most of my social plans, due to fatigue

 

This all makes me so SO angry. How did this become my life? What did I do to deserve this?

Sadly, there isn’t an answer. Like most with medical issues, I will never have the answers I need and will probably never come to terms with my illnesses.

All of this comes up because of the concert 2 weeks ago, so I’ll backtrack a bit.

I saw P!nk 2 weeks ago, and it was amazing. But there were no accessibility seats available when I first purchased them, and was told over the phone that I would have to get an exchange the day of the concert. Which meant standing in line for over an hour (and yes, standing for the full hour, which caused me to hit my pain max before the concert even started) to get transferred to seats practically behind the stage and up in the nosebleeds. A few years ago I would have had energy and been standing the entire time, and now my body was bullying me.

But I survived the concert, and I felt empowered by that small success. So I kept pushing myself, enjoying my tiny win; I went to a museum last week and rented a scooter. It was amazing to be able to keep up with my husband – I didn’t need to stop and rest at all – and the scooter provided me with some independence.

But then I crashed, completely. Extreme fatigue, body aches, etc. I have been out of commission for a week since. Hence the anger.

So what is the takeaway from all of this? 

I honestly don’t know. The crash might not have been so emotionally traumatic if I hadn’t had the good moments. But what good is life if you can’t have the good moments, no matter how fleeting?

Even though I paid heavily for it, it was good for me to push myself. It was important to embrace the knowledge that accommodations can be made to help me continue enjoying life.

I might have pushed myself too far, but I explored my limitations and learned a lot about myself. 

 

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